Break the mold

Reflections by an introvert on self-sabotage

I have a conscious fear of being judged, ridiculed, and unaccepted. For much of my life, I’ve censored my thoughts and opinions in person and online. While knowing when not to speak is good, self-censorship has a darker side. It spirals into a mindset that shuts people down at the individual level, opting for the comfort of group acceptance.

This is self-sabotage. Although it may seem like outside forces prevent advancement, the battle occurs from within. For some, the struggle to overcome this mentality is a light skirmish, while others face an interminable war all their lives. And it’s not always a choice between the two.

I want to provide a nuanced and accurate portrayal of who I am and what I believe, but that requires a healthy relationship with myself, one who is confident enough in my abilities to stand before an audience and speak truth. Am I that person? If not, can I become that person?

I value this platform because I can build confidence and share my successes and failures in real time. We’re all on this journey together, and people are at different stages. Sharing what we learn is part of the human experience. It is the passing of the torch to the next in line, illuminating their path so they, too, can hand back the knowledge that got them there.

"The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice." - Brian Herbert

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from publicly sharing my thoughts, opinions, and feelings is that not everyone will agree with me and that there isn’t always a “right” answer. It’s impossible to foresee all outcomes, and expressing myself allows outside input to craft a better way of thinking and interacting with the world.

As an introvert, I filter my thoughts and word choices before voicing my opinion, and even then, I lack the confidence to be an adept speaker on topics I’m reasonably knowledgeable about. Improvement comes with time and practice, but since it’s a feedback loop, negative experiences further complicate any future chances of improvement. Only by accepting that I do not have to prove myself will I address this hurdle.

We cocoon ourselves and imagine it protects us from the outside world. In reality, it’s a prison that prevents us from progressing. Until we breach that shell, we will never grow out of the hardened molds we’ve become.

Tenets I will strive to uphold:

• Authenticity: Letting out the first words that come to my mind (within reason, of course). My filter is set at 110%, and I stumble through my thoughts, trying to weave in profundities. Oh, the joy of saying things in the moment and recognizing it’s not the end of the world if I say something wrong.

• Humbleness: Understanding that I don’t need to be a beacon of knowledge. I can not know things and ask questions. Most importantly, I’ll acknowledge when I get something wrong and correct it.

• Open-mindedness: Seeking other people’s opinions and allowing flexibility and nuance, to listen to what the other person is saying before responding with any pre-scripted thought.

"Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel." - Socrates

The fundamental aspect of being a lifelong learner is the “lifelong” part. No one is perfect, and some days will be more difficult than others—heck, some years will be more difficult. The main takeaway should be that we aren’t the person we were yesterday, or at least we don’t have to be. Adapting to what life throws at us is a human superpower that often goes underappreciated and underutilized.

There’s no one way to pursue ideas. Balanced growth comes from both seeking out the novel and appreciating the classics. True innovation is a confluence of understanding how we got here and where we’re going. The path is defined once we’ve stepped forth and accepted the reality that inevitably emerges—a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

As a writer, I’ve been diving into genres and authors, new and old, that wouldn’t have appealed to me ten years ago—no, not even two years ago. I’ve also attempted to write from perspectives and about topics I never thought I’d be interested in or capable of, and it has been an invaluable, eye-opening experience for me. I hope to continue to do so in the days to come, for as many as I have left on this planet.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Mahatma Gandhi